Knives Out
An accidental PC (pop culture) look at self-deprecation.
A lot has changed about my life over the last few years. The most notable is that I’ve dropped the flimsy mask and toxic trait of self deprecation.
We’ve heard it before: would you ever talk about someone else the way you talk about yourself? This was not a particularly helpful exercise because I didn’t think particularly fondly of myself. A tilt that almost got me there was looking at a photo of me as a 4 year old: would I say these things about her? You’re such a needy, whiny, little baby. You have so many needs it’s like you’re a toddler who can’t do anything for herself. (I’m sure you could imagine how the humor got a little lost in translation.)
It happened almost overnight. I was reading “You Are a Badass” in (*consults Goodreads*) the spring of 2019– reeling from a 2+ year relationship ending and recently back in talk therapy. In the punchy, sassy, Girl-Boss-Bible, a tangible suggestion to unlocking one’s power was to “ditch the self deprecating humor.” I sat there, stunned. Why had no one ever told me this was not a good idea? It had never occurred to me that this choice was having a negative impact on my life. It was a pillar of my personality.
Sure, there is a certain “ugh-ness” to someone who can’t laugh at themselves. But a person whose entire way of being is in-your-face-self-flagellating? Darling, there’s a better way. Not only was I convincing everyone around me to not bother loving me, I was convincing myself to not bother loving me. Spoiler alert: if one can’t love oneself, one is not open to receiving the love of others. This also goes in reverse: if you hate yourself, you’re more likely to project that onto others. These are not feedback loops I’d recommend, speaking from experience.
It’s an interesting survival tactic: if you’re self-deprecating you’re not a threat, you can’t hold authority. The medicine quickly turns into poison and no one really wants to be around you. This deep seeded fear of inadequacy can lead to actual inadequacy by getting in your own way– or at the other end of the spectrum: by not even bothering to make an effort. As a martyr you become a victim of your self inflicted pain.
For me, subconsciously, this started with the way my mother would talk to me. A density built up in my ears from the moment I was born. She would often tell the story of the first thing she said after my birth was “She’s ugly” (the rejection of something so whole and pure coming from inside of oneself, whew… projection is not subtle.) I became conditioned to hear unpleasant things about myself. My DIY approach started around my transition to college because I finally had space from home, and my ears were suffering withdrawal from the resonance of shit talking. Hair of the dog.
I had entire friendships built on the fact that their favorite thing about me was how “funny” I was. What they meant was how self deprecating I was. We’d be talking about a new coworker or person we’d meet and my friends would say- “Oh my god, she reminds me of you, she’s so self deprecating.” or “I think you’d love her, she’s just like you: super self deprecating.” I was the court jester, always making everyone laugh and feel a little bit better about themselves, because at least they weren’t me! Cheap shots, cheap humor. It’s exhausting collecting all of those faux pas, like a heavy charm bracelet. It’s exhausting having constant distortion in our relationships– with self and with others.
A non-unique predicament I’ve found myself in this (Cruel) Summer is being inundated with all things Taylor Swift as she moves mountains of money around the globe with her Eras tour. This included listening to more of her discography in 48 hours than in the last 16+ years. Swift’s lyrics are many things, but they are not self-deprecating. She toes the line of owning your shadow without dragging yourself. And yes, sure, also noting the overly bummer reduction that a woman’s art can only be about her relations with men…
“I stay out too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say
That's what people say
I go on too many dates
But I can't make them stay
At least that's what people say
That's what people say
But I keep cruising
Can't stop, won't stop moving
It's like I got this music in my mind
Saying it's gonna be alright
I never miss a beat
I'm lightning on my feet
And that's what they don't see
That's what they don't see”
I shared this once-defying trait with a newer friend recently and she was shocked. “I’ve never heard you say anything negative about yourself.” she reflected. As I’ve come into a deep relationship with my ancestors, who happen to be hilarious (yours are too, where do you think you get it from?) never once has any ancient grandmother or grandfather said anything self-deprecating about themselves, or me.
Take the knives out of your ears and drip honey in the wounds.
Only you can choose to admit how Divine and Wholesome and Worthy you are. And, we don’t have to do this alone. Ask those around you for reflections. The act of asking others, knowing there is endless material that they can choose from, is a much different energy to hold than fishing for compliments by saying terrible things about yourself.
Seriously! Ask them to send you a voice note, or text, or hand them a piece of paper and ask them to write it down and then hang it on your mirror. Make words of affirmation your love language, even if only while in recovery from acid speech. I have a regular practice of this with my dear friends. In group containers, make a receiving circle part of the closing ceremony. My fridge is plastered with love notes from my friends and peers.
Some prompts:
When you look at me, what do you see?
What is your favorite thing about me?
What are my gifts?